About Inquiring Hope

In 2003, I met a passionate, driven, and very talented worship leader named John, who quickly decided I was 'The One.' I apparently was the one who made the 'forever bachelor' decide he wanted to marry. I did not do anything special...I think it was just God speaking into John's heart very loudly. He proposed to me after we had known each other for only 2 weeks. We were married one year later on the bay in San Diego. I am even more grateful now for our accelerated timeline since our time together was cut short.

In 2004, my husband accepted a Worship Pastor position in the Dallas-Fort Worth area of Texas. We moved over 1300 miles and started a wild journey serving in various positions of church leadership. John served in many roles, including Worship/Music Pastor, Youth/College Ministry, Teaching Pastor, and Senior Pastor. I had the privilege of supporting his roles, helping lead church administration, Children's ministry, and co-directing our non-profit organization.  Some have said I should write a book about it all, and the crazy stuff that happened. I am not sure if it would be the best way to 'market' the institution of the church. But I can say this...If you have been hurt by 'church' or "Christians," I can have compassion for you. What is important is to remember that God is always good and "His sheep" are a work in progress. It is best to forgive, release, give grace, learn, and move forward. We are all works in progress and growing ourselves.  

The best thing that happened during that season was becoming parents to 2 amazing kids.  Your children are the best ministry assignment you could ever receive. The runner-up highlights include traveling as a family, my husband grilling/smoking BBQ for our church family, and us speaking together on a special occasion, Sunday morning.  

After navigating the church we pastored through the 'Covid Era', we thought the worst had passed...only to be marked by a cancer diagnosis for my husband. This was heartbreaking because we had already watched his mom die of cancer. He tried to keep pastoring for 3 years as he fought the disease. We went through ups and downs. We considered all the doctor-recommended options and all the natural options. After the cancer was deemed 'metastatic and treatment resistant,' my husband went down a painful journey. Saying goodbye to serving in ministry and to the people he loved to serve was just as heartbreaking to him as the diagnosis. Stepping away from ministry made the cancer so much more real and costly.  

After trying more alternative treatment options, we moved back to California during a window of improvement. We honestly thought he was getting better because a tumor had shown legit signs of decreasing. I felt like it was such a 'tease' of hope because within 2 months, the cancer spread back, and he could barely walk. This started the longest and most painful 10 months of our lives.  

The last chapter ended with him on hospice care and me taking care of him full-time. I learned to appreciate what amazing nurses do daily for oncology patients. The metastatic cancer pain and symptoms my husband experienced are something I would never wish on anyone. It was an absolutely heartbreaking time that is hard to sum up in words.  I wasn't sleeping well and was always on call. I could barely walk outside the house before I was needed. At that time, our world had become so small. The Lord finally rescued him from his pain on the morning of April 29, 2025.  

Life will never be the same, and I cannot fight that fact. I must embrace accepting that truth and find a way to dream again. I know my late husband would want us to move forward and live. He lived and loved BIG! I know he would want us to experience all that life has to offer. He sat us down in his last months and explained what he wanted for us. He wanted our kids to pursue God and their dreams. He wanted them to someday find love and be cared for by someone who authentically loves every part of them. He also made a point to say I had his blessing to find love again someday and not to be alone. While this was hard to hear at that time, I see the love in it now. He wanted us to live and be happy.  

Now, as we adjust to a new normal, we try our best to remember there is much life to be lived. My kids will carry on their dad's qualities by being the best parts of him. My daughter (who is a professionally trained dancer) is in her 2nd year of ministry school and is growing in beautiful ways. My son (after he graduates high school) will pursue ministry school and is considering a first-responder school path.

As for me...I will love my kids, my family, and try my best to point others towards Jesus. I feel like life 2.0 is a blank canvas waiting to be painted. I know ministry for me will look forever different, and I have accepted that. At first, I was not sure I even wanted it all again...but God has helped soften my heart to the idea again. I am grateful you do not need a position to make a difference in the world around you. Influencing God's Kingdom for good is never contained to the four walls of the church.  The whole world needs an encounter with God's love that shows them how valuable they really are. We all can play a role in showing love and honor to others.  

I've learned it is okay to practice hoping.  Exercising hope doesn't erase the old chapter or the one you lost...it just continues your story on in a way that honors what they desired for you.

Let's try to find hope together.